Watching the Yankees win the World Series last night was like watching the tournament at the end of Karate Kid, except Johnny wins, Mr. Miyagi dies of a heart attack, and the Cobra Kai’s hold Daniel down, kicking his bad knee repeatedly and making him watch while Johnny fucks Ali on the hood of the nice yellow antique car Daniel got from Mr. Miyagi.
1. Food tastes much better when you’re hungry.
2. Tom T. Hall is a fucking genius.
3. To paraphrase the Tao: Whenever you’re feeling particularly self-righteous, keep your big mouth shut!
This has been Lessons of the Day for Oct. 5, 2009.
1. Avoid stressful situations. Too much stress can make you lose your shit and act like an asshead.
2. You know what’s worth more than gold these days? An attention span.
3. It’s “garter snake,” dammit! Not “gardener snake!” Do you see it wearing a straw hat and carrying around a fucking trowel?
This has been Lessons of the Day for Oct. 1, 2009.
1. When you swear you’re right, you’re usually wrong.
2. Never forget the people who still had your back when the chips were down.
3. 19th-century Romantic poetry should’ve been funnier. A few more dick jokes wouldn’t have hurt.
This has been Lessons of the Day for Sept. 30, 2009.
1. Sleep-deprived decision-making can be even worse than drunk decision-making.
2. There will never be a more perfect musical and lyrical embodiment of the hangover than “Sunday Morning Coming Down” by Kris Kristofferson.
3. How old is too old to sleep on a hardwood floor? Thirty is too old. That’s the cut off.
This has been Lessons of the Day for Sept. 27, 2009.
